Chloe

Addicted to cookies

I think I am literally addicted to sweets.  According to wikipedia:

Addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance or behaviour despite adverse consequences

I’ve finally succeeded at being able to stop myself from eating too many sweets.  And it’s come with unforseen consequences.

RECESSION

For the past almost-week (ending the day before yesterday) I have been feeling what I can only describe as depression.  It’s not - depression has to last a certain number of weeks.  So as a parallel to economics, I’ll say I’ve been feeling “recession.”

I knew something like exercise and yoga would help, but couldn’t motivate myself to get up off where I was curled up in my bed.  I had what would normally be a great week with social interaction and catching up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, and having a conversation that would normally be interesting with another friend via text.  I even got out in nature a few times.

Finally, on Thursday night there was a girl on the bus who didn’t know where she was going and it was like 10 at night, and I kinda felt bad for her.  Ahhh sweet emotions, you’re back!

COOKIES

I’ve been trying for the past year (almost) to stop eating so much unhealthy food.  At one point, I could easily buy a bag of cookies or brownies and eat them all in one sitting, then feel guilty at it and get a headache from the end of the sugar rush.  For this almost-year, I have been training myself in an almost Pavlovian way, to start eating only a normal amount of sweets.  To make the guilt more powerful, and directly link the migraines to the sweets, to overcome the lure of cookies.

It was working a bit, but I’d always mess up.  I’d still make the cookies despite the guilt. Every time I did that, the guilt would increase a bit until it finally got to a tipping point.

Last week, the prospect of the guilt again was depressing enough to stop me from making cookies.

NEXT TIME

Today I made cookies.  It was a nice day and I was inspired by my roommate who also made cookies.  They were good, and I ate a few too many but not a ridiculous amount.

I put them away in the freezer for next month’s recession.  At the beginning of June I’m going to stock up on potatoes and carbs.  Maybe one can bootstrap it out of that depressed feeling?  Eat carbs, pluck eyebrows, then maybe one can get up enough motivation to go for a run.

I suppose I might as well update the internet

I’ve figured it out.

My daydream was about focus.  It was about narrowing my focus down to three or four things:

• A brain thing
• A creativity thing
• A people/relationships thing
• A healthy thing

I’ve picked three things for the next three weeks (inspired by this zen caffeine post) that cover the four topics.  I’m not closed to other things that come along, for example if one day I decide I finally want to sit down and work hard to learn Spanish I’ll do it, but if that doesn’t happen I won’t feel guilty.

I suppose I might as well ask the internet about this

Sometimes I daydream.  Sometimes all I’ve accomplished in my day is this daydream and maybe grocery shopping or something.

Here’s the daydream:

It starts out with me in a beautiful place in the world, probably traveling on my own but maybe in a hostel or somehow met the locals.

Then a a natural disaster happens, something spectacular and beautiful but deadly at the same time, and I don’t get hurt but others do and I’m struck by the fact that it could have been me.

After that I volunteer to help out the doctors of this small rural place, dealing with all sorts of things - people whose lives have been turned upside down, people who are dying and I know it but I just have to comfort them, families who were torn apart, and so on.

And at the end of the first day I go back to the dorm room or whatever with a bunch of other people and there’s an instant sense of community, and we help each other through the emotional times and there’s maybe enough emotion that I cry uncontrollably.  That sort of thing.

This goes on for a while and I get really good at it, then we are all done and promise to come back keep in touch whatever, and I come back to Canada and do med school or something.

The daydream varies, and sometimes is only part of the story or sometimes I veer off on another tangent (environmental, photography, that sort of thing) but some things remain consistent:

• Emotions: I don’t cry (well I have an easy life) but I wonder what it would be like to just not be able to help myself, and whether I would feel some sort of relief and lightness afterward (similar to waking up the morning after a migraine.)
• Stoic: Following up on the previous topic, the daydream involves being able to deal with situations without breaking down or losing focus.  To somehow balance this level-headedness with an ability to comfort people, even wipe away a single tear, but to never lose control in front of them.
• Sense of Community: I’ve already mentioned this but will mention it again.
• Natural beauty: From the spectacular natural disaster, to the beautiful rural location, that’s important in the daydream.
• Sense of usefulness: The satisfaction of helping others, contributing something meaningful and worth my time - something I don’t expect to get from my current career path.
• Focus: I guess the daydream’s also a wish to focus.  I get distracted easily, and I don’t tend to finish large projects - even school, I’m going to finish but my heart’s not with it anymore.

I guess what I want from you, dear internet, is to please tell me what this means and what I should do as an easily-distracted over-priveledged dreamer.

I feel like I have to write this before I watch anymore of that show:

Sometimes when I spend a few days alone and watch a lot of TV, I start to think more about the characters than my real friends.  Think more about what they’re doing than what I’m doing right now.

I just need to remember to snap myself out of it after, I guess.

Studying

For the fun of it, I looked up what the requirements are to get into med school.  Just for fun.  Apparently there’s no cut-off grade to get in, but it’s competitive and the average that was accepted is about 90%.

Hah.  I didn’t even have that in first year.

I am still using this knowledge to make myself study.  What if I could get great marks on all my exams?  Even though I’m not going to apply probably, maybe they’d consider the trend…. almost failed a second-year course, but aced the third-year version which (if you ask anyone) is the same thing but more complicated.

And after exams - AFTER EXAMS, CHLOE - I’ll make a spreadsheet and decide because maybe it’s worth re-taking those two courses.  Even though they still consider the bad marks as well, maybe it’s worth it.

I’m not going to apply or anything - I’m having enough trouble as it is focussing on school work, studying, shuddering when friends say they’re thinking of doing masters degrees - but maybe I could try it out, like run around doing odd jobs and see the inner workings of a clinic like in that TV show (I know I know it’s only a TV show and remember what happened last time you made life decisions based on something you saw in a movie… but it’s also a book, a non-fiction book.

And don’t take away what’s holding together my ability to focus on studying.

Like Tacoma Narrows

I just started watching at TV show called Off The Map.  I was looking for a movie called A Map for Saturday, and happened to find this show: it’s about doctors in the middle of nowhere, South America, and it’s EXACTLY what I was looking for after I finished reading Mountains Beyond Mountains.

It was cancelled, so it’s probably a good show (like Firefly… did the Hunger games remind anyone of Firefly?)

Anyway back to what I was talking about.  This show is amazing… it’s exactly what I pictured when I imagined dropping out of school, getting rid of all my shit, and running away.  Pretty pretty scenery and good-looking people saving people’s lives.  With coconuts.

All my daydreams!

I suppose there’s a problem with the fact that a TV show is so similar to my daydream.  It means my daydream is unrealistic and sensationalized.

But in some respects, I think there is truth.  I’ve seen pretty pretty places before, and they’re better in real life than in movies, and I’ve experienced an instant sense of community once before (backpackers are amazingly open to being friends, if only for the few days your paths meet).  And why not indulge in watching something unrealistic (long never-frizzy hair, saving lives every other day, an instant sense of community, the beautiful places).

Oh and bioluminescent micro organisms!  Some pretty.  And pretty beach.  TODO LOS DAYDREAMS! (almost)

It totally resonates with my daydreams… like zeta=very small (second-order frequency response, which we totally just learned about in class today.)  This show is, as I say, “like Tacoma Narrows.”

What do they do in countries like Japan or Chile, where they have earthquakes and tsunamis and stuff, for reliable non-explodey distributed backup power?

I want that

I was just reading someone’s blog post where she says writing her book is like getting naked in public (here’s the link).  She describes this nervous, vulnerable feeling - and I want that (really Chloe?  Maybe I’m just a strange human being?)

What I actually want is that vulnerable feeling for a moment - then to overcome it and feel invincible.  So I’ve decided the best time to do this is when trying out for my school’s musical next year.

Does anyone have any ideas of songs I could sing that would make me feel emotionally vulnerable?

Lol it’s far enough away that I’m open to any suggestions.

Simulations

Image from 123rf stock photos

DAYDREAMS

My daydreams are simulations.  What would I do in such a situation?  How would I respond elegantly and stoically to situation X.

Whenever I make a simulation on Simulink or this circuit simulator, or just imagine what would happen in my head my first instinct is “what happens if I put in a huge number for the voltage?” or “How much amperage would break this thing?”  I do the same thing with my daydreams - except instead of current, it’s emotions.

My most recent daydream is of someone who was traveling in an earthquake-prone place (somewhere rural, maybe in the Andes?) and survives an earthquake then drops her travel plans to volunteer and help out with the people who are hurt or dying.  Each episode of the daydream involves the juxtaposition (look at me using literary terms) of the interactions with whatever character died or their sadness or anger, and the sense of community, purpose, and beautiful scenery.

It’s pretty awesome.  Probably because it’s not actually happening and because I’m warm and cozy in my bed.

I’m not sure why, maybe I have a twisted mind, but I like daydreaming about this sort of thing.  Maybe because I’ve always lived a comfortable life, but one that feels half boring half stressful at the moment… and this daydream is my life flipped on its head.

MOVIES

Movies are kind of like simulations of what life would be like in such-and-such a situation.  I recently watched The Grey (new movie starring Liam Neeson) and was struck by how it was similar to my daydream.  Not in terms of the exact plot, but because it’s refreshing to see a movie where… and I’m no good with words so I’m going to try to figure out how to describe it: a movie where they’re not caught up with trivial chit-chat… no that’s not it… a movie where there’s no excessive witty banter to insulate them from the humanness of it all.  (Because there are so many movies, chick flicks mostly, that focus on misunderstandings and manipulative words and cities and working your way up the corporate ladder…)

I was also struck by how the main character was always thinking about the other guys, or asking them about their lives.  I imagine I’d be helpful in that sort of situation, but realistically I can imagine myself being self-absorbed, and scared, and lash out at people.

So I’m going to start caring more about other people - because does it really matter if someone spills coffee on my assignment or if I forget what I was going to say because I was listening to what someone else has to say.